Are You Listening to Me? How Can I Tell?

Are you listening to me? This thought comes to mind for many of us during conversations. How can we tell that someone is listening? Conventional wisdom is that body language and non-verbal cues indicate attentiveness. Is the counterparty nodding in agreement, making good eye contact, and leaning forward into the conversation? If so, they must care about what I'm saying. If not, then they are clearly disengaged.

New research suggests that this conventional wisdom may not be right though. In an article from UCLA's Anderson Review, Carla Fried reviews a stream of research by Hanne Collins and several co-authors. This research finds that people systematically overestimate the extent to which others are listening closely to them. They overestimate because they misread utterances or nonverbal cues... they think that the quiet "mm-hmm" or the nod of agreement signal close listening, when they may not represent that at all. Listeners may be using these conversational devices to "fake" close listening.

Collins and her co-authors instead suggest "conversational listening" as the remedy. Much like a stream of other work, including a great book by Charles Duhigg, they suggest that listeners paraphrase what they have heard and ask for confirmation, ask clarifying questions, and refer back to points made earlier in the conversation as ways to engage more effectively in a conversation.  In short, you must speak, not remain silent, to listen effectively.   Of course, you can not speak too much.  Interrupting without the intention of understanding more effectively can be highly counterproductive. Collins and her co-authors write, "“Conversational listening is a key building block of human social functioning. Information transmission, interpersonal connection, conflict management, happiness — the key foundations of human flourishing — hinge critically on our ability to hear, understand and respond to others.”