How to Make Small Talk Effectively

Some people dread small talk. They just want to get on with the business at hand.  Why bother with the chit-chat about the weekend, the kids, or last night's episode of Rooster?  Research, however, demonstrates that small talk has value, helping us build relationships that facilitate more effective collaboration.  Moreover, small talk can enhance well-being.  

In a recent Inc. article, Henna Pryor speaks with writer Amaya Nichole about how to engage in small talk effectively.  Pryor offers three important and useful tips:

1. Focus on a specific detail.  It might be the photo on their desk, the screensaver on their computer, or the recent family celebration you know they attended.  Direct their attention, show them that you noticed, and inquire to learn more about that particular topic.

2.  Ask specific questions, rather than general ones.  Don't just ask how they are doing. Ask about a specific book, podcast, or TV show that they are enjoying.  Don't just ask how the family is doing, but inquire about a particular individual and a recent important event (birthday, graduation, wedding, etc.).  

3.  Finally, Pryor recommends that we "learn to leave a conversational thread."   Pryor offers an example of how to do this effectively: "This is less about the question asked and more about the response. Instead of answering 'how was your weekend?' with 'good,' try: 'It was good. It was really good. I finally checked out that new bookstore downtown and ended up staying for two hours. I did not need that many books.'"  

Bad Office Conversations

Have you walked into work on Monday morning and been asked about your weekend while grabbing a cup of coffee?  How does the conversation go? Is the other party truly interested in your weekend activities, or do they quickly shift the conversation to tell you about their weekend? Alison Wood Brooks and Michael Yeomans have published a great new paper titled "Boomerasking: Answering Your Own Questions."  They explore how people who turn the conversation around in this manner actually harm their reputations with colleagues.  Here's what the scholars write in the abstract to their paper: 

We introduce one pervasive way people attempt to reconcile these competing goals—boomerasking—a sequence in which individuals first pose a question to their conversation partner (“How was your weekend?”), let their partner answer, and then answer the question themselves (“Mine was amazing!”). The boomerask starts with someone asking a question, but—like a boomerang—the question returns quickly to its source. We document three types of boomerasks: ask-bragging (asking a question followed by disclosing something positive, e.g., an amazing vacation); ask-complaining (asking a question followed by disclosing something negative, e.g., a family funeral); and ask-sharing (asking a question followed by disclosing something neutral, e.g., a weird dream). Though boomeraskers believe they leave positive impressions, in practice, their decision to share their own answer—rather than follow up on their partner’s—appears egocentric and disinterested in their partner’s perspective. As a result, people perceive boomeraskers as insincere and prefer conversation partners who straightforwardly self-disclose. 

For more on how to conduct effective conversations, I highly recommend my former student Charles Duhigg's book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.  Duhigg, a former writer for the New York Times, explains how to engage with others in a way that builds strong, enduring relationships. 

Should We Self-Promote or Hide Success?

We dislike self-promoters, right?   Is it better to hide our success than shamelessly self-promote?  Many people may think it's appropriate and effective to hide success.  We don't want to seem boastful or arrogant.  Well, perhaps the conventional wisdom may not be correct.  Annabelle Roberts, Emma Levin, and Ovul Sezer have published a fantastic new paper titled "Hiding Success" in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  

The scholars point out that self-promotion is quite typical these days, yet in their research, they also find that many people hide their successes at times.  Why?  They worry about how others will perceive them if they self-promote too much, or in some inappropriate manner. 

Roberts and her colleagues show that hiding success may have harmful effects on our interpersonal relationships.  They write:

"Unlike hiding other information, hiding success signals that a communicator has paternalistic motives, which targets find insulting.  We find that hiding success has relational costs in public and private settings as well as in response to direct and indirect questions.  Additionally, the negative reactions to hiding success have behavioral consequences:  Targets are less trusting of, less willing to cooperate with, and less willing to devote financial resources to maintaining their relationship with communicators who hide their success." 

In sum, perhaps a lack of transparency can have some significant costs.  That doesn't mean we should be arrogant, or that we should boast repeatedly about our accomplishments.  However, we should take great care about intentionally shielding others from the truth.  Honesty, it appears, is indeed the best policy.